Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
