if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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