YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
