4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
