don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
