if i can run in heels then i can drive
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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