If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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