I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drunk is not a location!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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