she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
