and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
