i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
