Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
