he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize