I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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