So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
