I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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