If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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