The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
