dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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