What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
