booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
