i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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