woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
