I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
