david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
