I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
