Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
