I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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