i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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