I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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