He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
