Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
