Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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