Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
