Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
