if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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