I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
