even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize