I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
