Someone shit on the floor
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
