I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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