Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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