dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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