Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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