I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
