I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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