Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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