too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
