Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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