I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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