Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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