I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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