The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
