my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
