just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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