you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
