he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
