My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
wow bdsm is so cute
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
