before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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