I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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