her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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